How am I doing?
It's up and down.
I've said those words so many times that they've started to lose meaning.
But that's the truth.
It's up and down.
Some days are good. Yesterday was pretty good. Tony only hurt himself once - I'm not used to him falling and it terrifies me - but other than that yesterday was pretty good.
We went to the park, saw friends, napped, started the process of finding a grief counselor, played around the house, watched curious George, the roomies played with Tony after dinner, then it was bed time - for me and Tony.
Yesterday was pretty good.
Today has been so hard.
I woke up with a huge wave of grief. Memories. Heartbreak. Things I want to forget. Things I wish weren't real. Realizations of more things we won't get to experience with Abbie.
Today has been hard.
Grief is really hard for me, especially while taking care of my 22 month old. I need to cry, let it all out, but Tony needs me. So I have to suck it up and push it down to take care of him... he needs me.
But I need to cry. I need to feel it all so that I can understand what I'm feeling so that I can breathe. I need to breathe so that I can take those feelings to God, so that I can remember his promises, surrender, be comforted.
It's more than sadness. Most of the time it's overwhelming sadness coupled with fear and anxiety, guilt, shame... and that's hard to process. That's why I'm getting in touch with a grief counselor.
I know that I'm not alone. God is here. He is with me. He loves me. He's holding me. He's my refuge and strength. My comfort.
I know my husband and friends and family are here for me; to help and listen and cry and remind me of Jesus.
But when it's just Tony and me and the grief hits I forget how to breathe. I'm overcome, and until I can get my breathing under control I can't remember what scripture says. I can't feel God, because it's all just too much.
And I think that's normal. I really do. Otherwise grief counseling wouldn't be a thing, right?
Jesus binds up the brokenhearted, and we are supposed to help. So why not seek that help when I'm brokenhearted?
He provides for our needs in different ways. Sometimes just through him, and sometimes he provides through the community around us, the church. Working through losing Abbie is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My community has been so present and supportive. God has been so present and uplifting. I'm ready to seek counsel and learn more about how to walk with God in my grief and through my grief.
The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planning of the Lord that he may be glorified.
I trust that he will create beauty from these ashes. I trust that he will turn my mourning into gladness. I trust that he will take my faint spirit and give me a garment of praise.
He will continue to comfort me. He will bind up my broken heart. He will be glorified.