I'm mad that I haven't wanted to eat something in almost 3 months. (Don't worry. I eat.) I'm mad that my baby girl isn't here. I'm mad that I didn't get more time. I'm mad that this all happened.
I'm mad that it doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I get I'm always some form of exhausted. I'm mad that coffee isn't enough to hydrate me.
I'm mad at God.
Why? Why did it have to be us? Why did we have to lose our girl? Why is the pain so much? Why won't the pain go away? Sometimes it seems like too much to bear. Sometimes God seems close. Sometimes he feels distant.
And today I'm mad.
I miss her so much. Man, even those words sound so dumb to me today. Of course I miss her. She's my daughter. I want to hold her and kiss her and hug her. Change her diapers. Plan her birthday parties. Spoil her silly. And I don't get to. A lifetime of expectations was taken from me.
It's okay to be mad. This is a perfectly acceptable feeling. I've learned a lot of things the last few months and one of them is feel my feelings. Don't stuff them. Don't run from them. Don't hide from them. Feel them. Process them. Give them to God.
So I'm mad, and rightfully so. But I'm thankful, too.
I'm thankful that I've learned that it's okay to feel all the feelings. I'm thankful that I'm learning how to process these feelings. I'm thankful that I have a God who loves me even when I'm mad at him. I'm thankful for the Psalms and how vulnerable David was, setting a wonderful example for us. God knows my heart already, why should I hide my feelings from him? It's very freeing to tell God what I'm feeling. Tell him and then let him comfort me.
Let him remind me that he has Abbie, that she is loved and safe and perfect. Let him remind me that he loves me. Remind me that weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning. Remind me that he binds up the broken hearted. Remind me that he is my refuge. My strength. My redeemer. My healer. Remind me that I hope in a resurrected king. Remind me that he is making all things new. Remind me that he beat death. Remind me that he's on my side. Remind me that I can trust him.
He is good. He's my dad. He cares for me.
In the process of writing this I already feel a little better. I'm more sad now than mad. I miss her. I love her. But she's okay.